~ How To Confuse Santa~

Twenty ways to confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.

18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue for personal injury.

19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us.

Until next time from my mountain to yours
Hugs and smiles Gloria

~ 12 Days of Christmas~

My True Love Gave to Me...

Dearest Dave,

I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased darling!

With truly the deepest love,
Agnes

December 15, 2003

Dearest Dave,

Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtule doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.

With all of my love,
Your Agnes

December 16, 2003

Dearest Dave,

You've truly been too kind! I must protest; I don't deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised--what more should I expect from such a nice person.

Love,
Agnes

December 17, 2003

Dear Dave,

Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don't you think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes

December 18, 2003

Dearest darling Dave,

It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all of those squarking birds from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift!

All my love,
Agnes

December 19, 2003

Dear Dave,

When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please stop dear.

Cordially,
Agnes

December 20, 2003

Dave,

What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get any sleep!!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes

December 21, 2003

O.K. wise guy,

The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had to bring their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or you'll be sorry!

Agnes

December 22, 2003

Hey loser,

What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me, and I'm going out of my mind!

You'll get yours!
Agnes

December 23, 2003

You rotten scum!!!

There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that! They're dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids. The cows can't sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep! I'm sicking the police on you!

One who means it!

December 24, 2003

Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac!

What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quiet; they were trampled to death by the cows. I hope you are satisfied--you rotten vicious worthless piece of garbage!

Your sworn enemy,
Agnes

December 25, 2003

The Law Offices of
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
20 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois

Dear sir,

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes Mcholstein. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. Mcholstein at Happy Daze Sanatarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.

Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,
Badger, Rees, and Yorker

This document was written by Agnes Mcholstein.
Until next time from my mountain to yours
Hugs and smiles Gloria

~ Best Christmas Cookies Ever~

Tequila Cookies

• 1 cup of dark brown sugar
• 1 cup (2 sticks) butter
• 1 cup of granulated sugar
• 4 large eggs
• 2 cups of dried fruit, such as dried cranberries or raisins
• 1 tsp baking soda
• 1 tsp salt
• 1 tsp fresh lemon juice
• 1 cup coarsely chopped walnuts or pecans
• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila (silver or gold, as desired)

Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it’s best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit up off floor.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something, whatever. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table full of that one stuff. Add a spoon of shuga, or somefink. Whatever you can find. It all looks the same.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Pick yourself up off the floor. Try not to giggle, it makes the floor fall out from underneath you. Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

**** CHERRY MISTMAS ****

Until next time from my mountain to yours
Hugs and smiles Gloria

~I finally go me some Christmas help~

Resimay:


To hoom it mae cunsern,



I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.



I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting..



I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.



I no my spelling is not to good but fi nd that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.



My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth, I can start emeditely Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.



Sinseerly, BRYAN



PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me. Dear Bryan ,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check. See you Monday

Until Next time from my mountain to yours,
Hugs and smiles Gloria

~Tuesday Humor~

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS 1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . . ' My wife ' s going to have her baby in the cab. ' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady ' s dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , San Francisco 2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient ' s anterior chest wall. ' Big breaths, ' . . . I instructed. ' Yes, they used to be, ' . . . replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes , Seattle , WA 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ' massive internal fart.' Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg 4. During a patient ' s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with One of his medications. 'Which one? ' . .. . I asked. ' The patch... The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I ' m running out of places to put it! ' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn ' t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair , Norfolk , VA 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ' How long have you been bedridden? ' After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive. ' Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR 6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . . ' So how ' s your breakfast this morning? ' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can ' t seem to get used to the taste.' . Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced A foil packet labeled ' KY Jelly. ' Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf , Detroit , 7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . . ' Keep off the grass. ' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient ' s dressing, which said ' Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn. ' Submitted by RN no name, AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . . ' I ' m sorry. Was I tickling you? ' She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . . ' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . . ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener . ' Dr. wouldn ' t submit his name.... 1 MORE Baby ' s First Doctor Visit This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile! A woman and a baby were in the doctor ' s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby ' s first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed, ' she replied.. ' Well, strip down to your waist, ' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this baby is underweight. You don ' t have any milk. ' I know, ' she said, ' I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came,

Until next time from my mountain to yours

Hugs and smiles Gloria

~Update on my surgery~

Dear Family and Friends, Most of you know I went in for a surgical procedure for a Butt Lift at the Wal-Mart Medical Center . I didn't have the most pleasant experience. I should've left well enough alone. I wanted to show you how it turned out. I hope this keeps YOU from having this done. Please, PLEASE, PLEASE . . Don't get a Butt Lift at the Wal-Mart Medical Center . You will most certainly regret it !!!

Sorry I have been MIA but got a chest cold and have been fighting it..I swear at my age I catch everything but men and money ha ha!!

Until next time from my mountain to yours,

Hugs and smiles Gloria

~Happy ST. Patty's Day~

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it look like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'

---

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'
She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun....'

---

It's Saint Patrick's day and an armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.
The Robber Shoots the Guy Without Hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
Did anyone else see my face?' screams the robber.
There is a few moments of silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, 'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse.'

Just some of me Irish humor...May all of you have a GREAT St. Patrick's day..

Until next time from my mountain to yours.

Hugs and smiles Gloria

~Dear Diary~

For my birthday this year, my husband purchased a week of personal training at the local health club.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines... I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

________________________________

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.

_______________________________

THURSDAY:

Butt hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.

_________________________________

FRIDAY:

I hate that jerk Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________

SATURDAY:

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my diary; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..

________________________________

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

 

Until next time from my mountain to yours
Hugs and smiles, Gloria

~ Smarter Than Dirt~

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLDER, AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available" George said,

"Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story)

I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people.

I hope and pray all of you have a GREAT week...
Until next time from my mountain to yours,
Hugs and smiles Gloria

~ A Happy Marriage~

From my mountain to yours,

Hugs and smiles, Gloria

~Missing Husband~

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.

Until next time from my mountain to yours,
Hugs and Smiles Gloria

~Oooh Fuuudge~

The Sheer Nightgown....


A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.


Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.


She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.


The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot.


Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

Until next time from my mountain to yours,
Hugs and smiles Gloria

~ Down for the Count~

Husband Down


A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in her basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

 Then down he went.

Hope all of you have a GREAT Super Bowl day..
Until next time from my mountain to yours,
Hugs and smiles Gloria

~ Dear Diary~

January 1, 2011

Dear Diary,

Oh !!   I love a New year...And I just know this is going to be the "Best Year Ever"...

January 3, 2011

Dear Diary,

Woke up with a cold to beat all colds...Can't stop sneezing, eyes watering and lost my contact lens, can't find my glasses, my nose is bright Red and I'm starting to look like Karl Malden Help!!


January 4, 2011

Dear Diary,

Cold still here, feel like I'm sniffing pepper nose is beyond Red it now qualified for Rudolph...
Turned on my desktop computer and it died some time during the night...No big deal have Len take it to computer doctor to fix after all I got an external hard drive in August so I have all my files and information saved right!! Wrong computer doctor calls external hard drive has never worked factory defeat, need to take it back to store...Can't leave house nose to bright, big and Red..Oh well I'll get by with my lap top...

January 5, 2011

Dear Diary,

Cold still here, sneezing all the time gone through two boxes of tissue now..finding tissue even in my underwear and clothes dryer..every pants pocket, every robe, every place to have tissue I have it stuffed, feel like I'm wearing a padded bra now...Can't leave house now, can't even go to Wal-mart for fear I'll end up on " People who shop at Wal-Mart"

January 6, 2011

Dear diary,

Computer needs a new hard drive..Had computer dr. order it less than buying a new one..Only $160.00 to fix..
Still can't leave house, sneezing big time and my bladder is not working right!! Now wetting my pants every time I sneeze...
I go on-line shopping instead..needed a new lamp for my dining room side board..Found one I really loved with a Lion holding up 2 lights with shades in his mouth...Can't wait for it to come, just know that will make me feel better...

January 8, 2011

Dear Diary,

Cold still here, How can one person sneeze so much?? Maybe I'll make the worlds record of sneezing...Now on my third box of tissues..Nose so sore am putting Vaseline on it so I now have a rather large Red nose that is oily...Still wetting pants..But just know it's going to be the " Best Year Ever" .

January 10. 2011

Dear Diary,

Venture out to drug store for allergy medication..did you know they make pull up depends???

January 11, 2011

Dear Diary,

Oh Happy days..Lamp arrived!! Lions neck is broken so I now have a headless lion lamp...contact EBay seller she'll order me another one...still sneezing!!

January 15, 2011

Dear Diary,

Finally am out of house, hair not looking great hair seems to be falling out!! Still sneezing big time...But now have my trusty depends pull ups...Took my external hard drive back and exchanged for a new one...Nose still bright Red and don't care who See's it..I'm out of house Yippee!!
Computer Dr. calls my desktop is fixed another Yippee!!

January 16, 2011

Dear Diary,

More on-line shopping today..Ordered a Victorian Wedding Dome to put on my dining room side board with my Lions' lamp when it comes...Oh it's going to be a Great year..Still sneezing but only using 3 depends pull ups per day now...

January 20, 2011

Dear Diary,

Fed-Ex picked up headless Lion's lamp today...Wedding dome was send on the 18th from Mo. Can't hardly wait to get it..Cleaned off side board getting ready for it..Can't get around swiffer dusters without sneezing and wetting pull ups..But OK!! it's going to be the "Best year ever"

January 25, 2011

Dear Diary,

Wedding dome not here yet..contacted seller to get tracking on it..He called me back said package has arrived at my post office on January 24 at 8:42 Am and was send back to sender at 11:36 Am...What the ??? Send Len to post office and YES it was send back to Mo because it needed 44 cents postage due WHAT THE ???... I mean how much can it cost the post office to send it back to Mo instead of contacting me?? HELLO!! Small town here everyone knows everyone....Still sneezing and Loving the pull ups..." It's going to be the best Year Ever"

January 26, 2011

Dear Diary,

Direct TV came out today to install new dish system...New Lion's head lamp arrive...afraid to open it..put on  my Big Girl pull ups and go for it..scared to look...all seems well head is intact shades look great, turn it around and Lions tooth is broke off...
Turned on TV tonight...nothing on screen but a "No Signal" sign floating around...Call Direct TV..Listen to recorder for 35 minutes waiting to talk to a real life person...get that problem fixed...still sneezing on the 4th box of tissue and praise the inventor of depends pull ups...Tell myself it's going to be " The best Year ever"

January 27, 2011

Dear Diary,

Still sneezing don't care, Thanking God now for Depends...As my four month old great grandson Landen James and I can now talk about the quality of diapers...Now have a Nekked side board waiting for lamp and wedding dome but don't care as this is going to be the "Best Year Ever"

January 28, 2011

Dear Diary...

Please send February!!!
This is going to be " The Best Year Ever".

Until next time from my mountain to yours,
Hugs and smiles Gloria

~12 days of Christmas~

On the twelve days of Christmas, My true Love gave to me.....

December 14, 2009

Dearest Dave,

I went to the door today, and the post man delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased darling!

With truly the deepest love,

Agnes



December 15, 2009

Dearest Dave,

Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtle doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.

With all of my love,

Yours, Agnes



December 16, 2009

Dearest Dave,

You've truly been to kind! I must protest: I don't deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised...what more should I expect from such a nice person.

Love,
Agnes



December 17, 2009

Dear Dave,

Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don't you think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes



December 18, 2009


Dearest darling Dave,

It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. Your truly are impossible Darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all these birds squawking from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift!

All my love,
Agnes


December 19, 2009

Dear Dave,

Well I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them?

The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all this racket. Please stop dear.

Cordially,
Agnes

December 20, 2009


Dave,

What is with you and those stupid birds? Seven swans a-swimming !!! What kind of sick joke is this !!?? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get any sleep!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes

December 21, 2009

O.K. wise guy,

The birds were bad enough, Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not enough, they had to bring their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or you'll be sorry!
Agnes

December 22, 2009


Hey loser,

What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me, and I'm going out of my mind!

You'll get yours!
Agnes

December 23, 2009

You rotten scum!!

There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that! They're dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids, The cows can't sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep! I'm sicking the police on you!

One who means it!

December 24, 2009

Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac!

What's with the eleven lords a-leaping?!? They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quite: they were trampled to death by the cows, I hope you are satisfied...you rotten vicious worthless piece of garbage!

Your sworn enemy,
Agnes

December 25, 2009

The Law Offices of
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
20 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois

Dear Sir,

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes Mc Holstein. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. Mc Holstein at Happy Daze sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.

Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,
Badger, Rees, and Yorker

Until next time from my mountain to yours,

Hugs and smiles Gl♥ria

~Best Cookies I ever made~ hiccup!!

~Bubba and Patty Ann's Christmas Letter~

Hey a'll , Bubba and me have had a Great 2010.....Bubba finally is getting a few thangs done around the house...Got me a brand smashing new door bell...And just in time for our family gathering

I got the tree up and all lit..Bubba got laid off from the Gin Mill again this year...said he was drinking up the profits...

I have been trying to make me some Purdy things for our house...make some Advent calendar's to give to family and friends...Bubba found me some wreaths forms...

and some coat hangers trees...

Bubba got me a new dishwasher as our last one died...It came just in time as I was getting so tired of hand washing my best china....

Bubba got a new buck this year biggest one so far...Ain't it a beauty...

We spent one whole hour getting the yard done for Christmas...Bubba said we need to cut back next year

Things are lookin purdy in the "Trailerhood " this year....

Bubba Jr. done got himself married and graduated from the fifth grade all this in one month...We is so proud of him and his first cousin Susie Lou for tie-in the knot...

Bubba the 3th was his best man....We was so glad he was born on time....To attend his Mama and Daddy's wedding day....I made them a special cake....

Grandpa has been doing great this year and was up to attending the wedding...He has lost some weight since losing his teeth...still says our dog ate them...

Bubba and I did get our Christmas cards done....I think Bubba get better looking each year....Well friends and family as you can tell we had another great year...
Merry Christmas Y'all....

Until next time from my mountain to yours.

Hugs and smiles Gl♥ria